you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
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Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
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I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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