I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
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You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
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you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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