So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
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It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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