My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
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This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
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He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
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