My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
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My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
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You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
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