I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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