After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
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I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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