When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize