The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
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theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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