my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize