I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
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i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
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God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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