its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
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He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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