I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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