I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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