Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize