I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I want to be your penis for a week.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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