No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
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I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
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If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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