dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
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I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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