Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
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You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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