Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
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I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
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How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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