tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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