i don't like sucking hair
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
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I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
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She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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