you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
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I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
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She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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