Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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