Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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