woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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