Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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