So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
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I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
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We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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