Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
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He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
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She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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