I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
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Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
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I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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