Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
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i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
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I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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