it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
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My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
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When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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