I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
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then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
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We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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