My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
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She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
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STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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