In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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