vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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