you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
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he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
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The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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