but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
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You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
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Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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