Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
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I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
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I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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