You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
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you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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