At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
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I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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