When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
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found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
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Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
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