Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
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So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
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I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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