Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
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im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
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Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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