Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
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Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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