I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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