and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Randomize