I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
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She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
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I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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