I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
