why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
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You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
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Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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